We Pulled Her Out Of School
THIS STORY BELONGS TOAn anonymous member of our school can’t parent community
At the beginning of year 11 we did what we should have done years ago. We pulled her out of school.
Her distress story started in Grade 1. Back then the signs that something was not right were severe, frequent migraines, anxiety about reading to other parents at school, reluctance to go to school and begging me to let her stay home.
We knew she was autistic, but we didn’t yet know she had dysgraphia or ADHD. She was having difficulty learning to read and was struggling to write. The classroom was unpredictable, seating was around circular tables, it was visually over stimulating. The school tried to insist that she read to an unfamiliar adult in the mornings. She struggled every year since then in a mainstream school. All through primary school her disability needs were not understood and I was left to provide insights to the teachers. Assistive technology was not available to her, there was no funding for learning support. By the time she made it to grade 6 her mental health was in tatters.
Her carefully chosen high school had a much better understanding of how to support her. They were able to provide learning support and excuse her from learning a language. She was allowed to wear earbuds and listen to music when the class was working quietly to mask distractions. Nothing changed the fact though that by year 7 she had already experienced school as chronically stressful for 6 years. Her nervous system was heightened just at the thought of being at school.
Being at school was exhausting. Her school could not tell the extent of her distress because she acted the part of a happy student. She masked until she no longer could. Year 8, year 9 and year 10 all ended prematurely. Cocooned in bed in a darkened room with the curtain drawn almost all the way closed for most of the day and parked in front of YouTube the few hours she was up. Unable to fetch food for herself or shower. This is what burnout looked like.
Near the end of year 9 we identified nearly 70 things she found stressful at school. Every adjustment we made to reduce stress was like a band-aid covering an infection that went untreated though.
We decided to reduce demands for year 10 and enrolled her in the Victorian Pathways Certificate and her two favourite year 10 subjects. She was only at school 4 days a week and with a cohort of 5 other mostly neurodivergent students with similar stories for most of her school week. Mid way through the year the school suggested she was doing so well she could pick up another year 10 subject. I expressed concern. She took on the extra subject but 4 weeks in she collapsed. Cocooned in bed once again.
This year we decided that she was never going to be able to recover from the trauma of school at school. We enrolled in home education to focus on recovering some semblance of functional capacity.
Transitioning to home education came with a lot of grief and loss. We both cried. Her two older siblings had managed to finish high school. She felt like a failure. She felt ashamed. She felt like her future was blighted.
It’s now 5 months since we registered for home education and 8 months since she lost capacity to attend school. Two weeks ago, she was able to leave the house and go out for dinner for the first time in 8 months. Last week she made contact on Discord with a school friend. She has crocheted a vest and has started enjoying debating with me again… about everything!! Currently I can hear her singing to herself.
My daughter was not going to recover from school related trauma by continuing to go to school. Her nervous system was constantly in fight, flight or shutdown.
How are we now?
We are both angry. She was harmed by a combination of education neglect, ableism and ignorance. We both carry scars. I wish I had taken her out of school in grade 1. It wasn’t safe there for her. She deserved to feel safe.
Through primary school she was told by educators and psychologists alike:
“that’s not very resilient of you”
“use your coping strategies”,
“push through”,
“keep trying”
We were both reminded about the importance of education, that attendance mattered, and that school was the best place for students to learn.
It wasn’t.
Authors Info:: A member from our School Can’t Australia Parent and Carer community shared this story about her daughter and how school can’t has impacted them.
She has chosen to stay anonymous.
